chem and cardigans: It is what it is.

Today, while playing chess with one of my closest friends, he looked at me and said. "You're insecure," as I was thinking about my next move. Those two words punched me in the face. My first thought was, "It is really scary that he is one of the only people that can see right through me." Hours later, I was laying on my bed and realized this is really true. I try to hide it from everyone- I don't wear make up, I could really care less about what my hair looks like, my friend group consists of mostly guys, and I look at myself in the mirror and don't think I'm ugly. I realized that he wasn't talking about what most people tend to characterize insecure people as: self conscious about their body or obsessed with their appearance. He was talking about the insecurities I have.

I constantly think I am not nearly as smart as my other friends. I always tell people I'm horrible at math, even though I am in Accelerated Math III because I know I have to work ten times harder than every one else. I'm the only one of my friends that has to read notes from AP Biology nightly to get A's on the test. I didn't get any awards for having the highest class average in a class. I had two B's at the end of last year. I'm insecure about my brain.

I got a 97 on a chemistry test about ions. And I complained because I couldn't believe I had gotten questions wrong on a test based solely on memorization. I got a 96 on a lit essay and I still think it is horrible. My lowest grade is a 90 in math. So why am I complaining?

It's because I know I could have done better. I am your typical "Type A personality"/ overachiever. (Minus the part about being aggressive. I don't find myself to be particularly hostile or violent towards people.) It is in my nature. My natural competitiveness is shown whenever my friends and I get a test back, whenever we do labs, and pretty much anytime we can compete with each other about something.

I really need to fix this insecure part of me, so I have found a new mantra: